Confessions of a Lily
by PaigeHowlett
Summary: After becoming friends with James when he is made head boy Lily finds her feelings changing, and Lily writes a letter... L/J One shot


The lovely winter evening was starting to settle in and Lily Evans was sorting out all her Hogwarts stuff, flinging everything all over her bed she was intending to create organised piles of specific items But in her usual Lily-sense she had strewn everything across he bed and bedroom floor. This was working as a good distraction, her head and heart had been at odds ever since the last day of the winter term when she had shared a train compartment with the Marauders riding back to Kings Cross. James had not stopped making her laugh all the way home, emerging from the platform they were still in fits of giggles when Lily caught sight of her grandmother on platform 10.

'Right, right,' she giggled, trying to regain her composure 'ok'

'You started laughing at him first,' James pointed out 'I just took it a little further-'

'And I didn't think it was funny at all,' Sirius said slightly aggrieved from behind them

Lily caught James eye and smiled, for a second or two longer than she had anticipated he wouldn't break their gaze.

'Depends which side you were watching from Padfoot,' James grinned breaking his gaze with Lily he turned to Remus 'don't you think Remus, how many girls is it now?

'Shut up,' Sirius grumbled 'I'm having an off week,'

'I bet even Lils wouldn't go out with you, with the week you've been having' Remus teased watching James and Lily's reactions.

Lily became slightly more stiff, she shook her head.

'Don't think so Moons, Padders just not a big enough animal for me I'm afraid,' Sirius glared at her, twitching his nose at her.

'You couldn't handle me anyway Evans,' Sirius added winking. Lily rolled her eyes an smiled at James her lips pursed together she felt her cheeks turn pink. Playfully scowling at Sirius she laughed as James hit him over the head.

Lily straightened up and James and Sirius were now hugging each other, Remus gave Lily a brief hug.

'I know Lils,'

Lily blanched as they broke apart

'Know what?' she mouthed back

'You know,' and Remus smiled that annoyingly all knowing all seeing smirk. Remus turned his head to see James checking the train timetable boards above their heads. Sirius had started to move off in the opposite direction down to the tube station where he would go to his flat in Holland Park.

'Remus,' Lily said warningly 'James and I are in a good place now,'

'Why be in a good place when you could be in an amazing one Lils?'

Lily watched James curiously after Remus too left them. He looked flustered as he asked a muggle guard for directions to platform 22, this was the first time his parents had not been here to collect him. Lily couldn't help but feel that perhaps even the famous James Potter needed help sometimes, he did look just a little helpless something Lily found more than endearing.

'Let me help,' Lily said walking over to James and the guard 'I think my friend got a little lost,' and Lily steered James in the right direction. Pushing their trollies through the cavernous Kings Cross James noticed the way Lily was holding herself, she walked with more confidence than he had seen before. Always having been a beautiful and beguiled witch James felt as though she was opening more to him. As they came to the point where they would part ways Lily hugged James.

'Oh James,' she sighed 'promise me something,' she said breaking from him, her hair catching on his stubbled chin

'Hey, what is it?' he said sweetly

'You'll be safe, and-' Lily threw herself against him again 'don't leave me James,'

'Lils, I have to go home, you're welcome anytime though.'

Lily rolled her eyes

'Ruin the moment,'

He grinned, he caught her staring at him underneath her dark red hair. The windy tunnels of the London underground swelled up in the updraft and the shrill screeching of a train filtered through the air. Lily hugged him a final time, her body pressed against her and his hands fumbled around thee lower part of her back.

'Bye James,'

'Bye Lily,'

They broke apart, Lily couldn't look at him as her heart was racing and she wanted the hug to never end. Walking quickly away from him Lily wondered if he had wanted her to kiss him, but with her quick pace she didn't look back.

As Lily returned home with her grandmother who was asking many penetrating questions about "that boy" but Lily refused to say any more than she need. After finishing her tea of potatoes and bacon hash Lily retreated upstairs to her bedroom at the front of the house.

Her head, her heart needed to be lifted from its heavy confused state. She took her quill and started to write a letter.

Dear James, Dear Prongs, actually

I am writing this letter to tell you something very important.

I haven't been able to get you off my mind, every time I close my eyes, even when I'm trying to sleep all I can see is you even in the darkness I can see you, I know you're there. Your beautiful brown eyes are full of warmth and laughter, like they were buttons made in the Cadbury chocolate factory. You make me feel protected, and like wherever we are in the world it always feels like it is just the two of us where everyone else just doesn't feature. I thought at first I had a glass of Firewhisky too many but I found myself physically missing you this morning, and I know, I know I shouldn't even be writing this let alone sending you it. But you know me, emotions trickle out on to the page a lot better than from my mouth sometimes. The last thing I want to do is hurt you or confuse you but I can't not tell you anymore.

I felt like for the first time in many months that someone was listening to me, not trying to help or solve my problems but just listening. You cared enough to let me get it all off my chest and with no comebacks. You understood how I felt. I'm scared James. Life is changing and I have no say, no way of controlling this situation. It's out of our hands, I feel lost, purposeless half the time.

You make me feel like an equal, I'm not a prize to be won to you anymore. You see me for who I am, the woman I've become. You don't let people treat me I'm nothing James. I am important to you.

What you said yesterday about us doing the whole thing backwards? We started out as one thing and became friends, I just wanted to ask you straight out. Were you trying to say that you wish we could've done it the other way round- or are you asking even that you wish we could do it now?

Do you want more from me? Be with _me_? If you asked me again I know what my answer would be

I want to get to know you even more, more about the man you've become not the man I knew before because I know who that is. I want to fall in love with the man that stands before me here and now.

You say the past is the past and that is where it should stay?

What if we were to forget the past and almost start again?

I found myself yesterday falling more for your charm, laugh, smile and the warmth of your skin when I hugged you I didn't want to let go. The more time I spend in your company, the more I begin to realise you make me truly happy. I feel equal around you. We are always on the same page, at least when my heart gives in to my feelings which doesn't happen all that often and I hug you that third time tighter.

Falling in love with you was so easy. You make my whole self-come to life, a nervous excitement when I see you, that first smile. If I had to stop loving, you that would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do.

I need to know. Do you love me back?

All of these feelings are very confusing and I don't know what to do.

Owl Back

Always

Yours,

Lily

With a flourish Lily rolled up the parchment sealing it with a drop of wax and pressing her seal up against the blood red wax. This was all or nothing now, either James would return her intense feelings or he would be stunned into that strange silence he sometimes had around her. Closing her eyes with all hope she attached the parchment to Hermes outstretched leg.

'Please write back,' she mumbled nervously watching Hermes shadow fly off into the night.

James was in a word stunned. He looked over the words, a dozen times, trying to fathom the words tripping over each other like some drunken witch, it made sense, well it made Lily-sense. The overall conclusion however left him feeling even more confused about their relationship. No doubt he found her attractive, sexy fun to be around and from what she was writing she felt the same way. He loved spending time with her, she wound him up mercilessly about how much he used to like her and to be honest he found it quite infuriating but now knowing she was here saying she was falling for him.

Making his decision easier was the fact that since he was 16 years old he had been in love with a girl called Lily Evans, and now she was openly telling him that she truly loved him back. That she was readily opening her heart to him, that she wanted him to take care of her, protect her even and ultimately she was falling in love with him. And more importantly she _wanted_ him to love her.

But was this the Firewhisky talking or did she really feel this way? She said she was confused?

He pulled on his robes and jumped straight into the fireplace, navigating to the nearest wizarding fireplace to Lily Evans' house.

Lily was pacing, her heart was in her mouth. Her owl had returned but with no reply, meaning only one thing in her mind. That James Potter did not love her. And that she might have just ruined the best relationship she had ever had with another person. If he thought she was confused, he was probably more so. But the last few weeks she had spent with him had been the best of her life. He made her smile a smile she had forgotten she had. When she fell asleep at night she imagined him touching her, his hands moving around her. She felt like she knew him inside and out, but had she made a mistake, was this just a fantasy playing out in her head? Or did James really feel the same way?

The sky was dark when James merged out of the fireplace, apparition had always made him sick and he much preferred the floo network, he dusted himself down and made a hasty escape as he realised he was in the house of a pureblood wizard highly unlikely to welcome strangers into their home. He crept out of the house as quickly as he could and out onto the main street.

It was an unfamiliar place to James but his sense of direction had always been much better than people gave him credit for, particularly as he was such a skilled quidditch player. And he noticed Lily's owl, Prickles flying above him. He followed the birds flight and followed it. He viewed the winding streets as a challenge, but he didn't have to head far to find the home of Lily Evans. He recalled conversations he had with Lily about the two large conifers in her garden and how she had always hated the fact they blocked out most of the light. He took a right at the fork and headed towards a cluster of houses and at the very end was one with a lit up deer shining brightly in the garden hiding behind two large conifers. And he watched the owl fly into the open upstairs balcony window.

Lily headed for her bed, shoving all her books, notebooks and other detritus to the floor she began to cry. She was head over heels in love with him and couldn't face the thought of him not being in her life, he made her feel special. They could talk about anything, had done for hours in the room of requirement where he had held her when they were practicing duelling for an assignment for DADA. The way they had spent the afternoon in The 3 Broomsticks laughing about the exploding cauldrons in their fifth year which cleared out the common room, and the time the whole common room had thought they were secretly dating (just to get other people off their back) and James had kissed Lily for the first time that day two years ago.

And it was that thought that seemed to penetrate her thoughts the most as she lay flat out on her bed, the way he had kissed her. It was just enough. And now she felt those memories were somehow tinged with a feeling of insecurity, searching her feeling Lily felt herself on the verge of screaming. Her heart was full and heavy, she just needed to know that he felt something. Anything? Had all their flirting in the past few weeks meant anything, the playful back and forth? The way he smiled at her when she felt upset he would make her heart lighter, distracting her with that snitch she once sound so very annoying. But most importantly Lily could talk to him, tell him her darkest biggest fears and he wouldn't judge.

But he obviously didn't feel the same way, this silence was killing her to the point of distraction. Was he ignoring her on purpose? Should she talk to him again? Convince him perhaps that it was a mistake, an emotional outpouring that she should never have done?

James sighed closing his eyes his watched as the little silver deer bobbed its head up and down rhythmically. He nearly fell over the small deer, hobbling back to his feet he looked up at the house. The curtains in the front room were fully closed but upstairs above the garage curtains were flung open and the patio doors leading to the veranda were wide open. He pushed open the gate, bracing himself to knock on the door when Lily Evans appeared at the front door, wearing her Gryffindor pyjamas and her face red from crying. James must be here to tell her, tell her she was mistaken with her feelings and nothing more could ever really happen between them.

Did he love her?

But she was wrong. In a few seconds James Potter was standing in the centre of the garden of 27 The Fairway, his wand aloft against the background of late winter skies and with a single movement he wrote two words.

'I do,'

And Lily rushed out into the night her pygmy puff slippers almost tripping her up over the wet grass, James moved to her and Lily threw herself onto him. She hugged him tighter than anyone ever had, she felt how tightly his hands wrapped around her so easily. Her hair caught in James' eyes he pushed it away and looked down at her, she was so beautiful and he kissed her cheek not wanting to stop looking into her eyes.

'How could you ask me, Lily Evans I have loved you from the second I met you,'


End file.
